hey all,
i'm pretty recently married (Aug.) and my husband and I have an incredible relationship. We are very happy and loving and supportive. He is truly my best friend and I his. Our only problem really is that I have a much lower libido than he does. This was not always the case. I suppose he might have always been slightly ahead of me, but for the most part we were pretty equal when first together. About a year ago, he cheated. it was a one time thing and it's a long story, but we got through it and are closer than ever. But our sex life has never fully recovered. I just don't feel sexual that much any more. When we have sex it's great, but most of the time, i just really couldn't care less. We're still really affectionate and loving, but not that sexual. I feel totally over the infidelity, so i'm not sure that it's even the source of all this, but it did start around the same time. It's frustrating knowing that his needs aren't really being met and that I seem to have lost what used to be a pretty major part of me and us. Any suggestions? Remedies, tips etc?
i'm pretty recently married (Aug.) and my husband and I have an incredible relationship. We are very happy and loving and supportive. He is truly my best friend and I his. Our only problem really is that I have a much lower libido than he does. This was not always the case. I suppose he might have always been slightly ahead of me, but for the most part we were pretty equal when first together. About a year ago, he cheated. it was a one time thing and it's a long story, but we got through it and are closer than ever. But our sex life has never fully recovered. I just don't feel sexual that much any more. When we have sex it's great, but most of the time, i just really couldn't care less. We're still really affectionate and loving, but not that sexual. I feel totally over the infidelity, so i'm not sure that it's even the source of all this, but it did start around the same time. It's frustrating knowing that his needs aren't really being met and that I seem to have lost what used to be a pretty major part of me and us. Any suggestions? Remedies, tips etc?
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Re: What to do about a low libido?
Sun, January 28, 2007 - 11:29 AMThis is really common in all marriages, your not alone. Just be very aware of it and "put out" as much as possible. I'm not kidding either, your not going to feel in the mood most of the time. Its ok but most important is to keep your guy happy and HOME. -
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Re: What to do about a low libido?
Mon, January 29, 2007 - 12:00 PMThis is not really all that different than any other marital issue. If you have a long healthy marriage, you are going to have differences over many things. It could have been beets or toilet seats, in your case it is sex. The approach is always the same. Keep working on it and make certain your partner is aware that you are commited to keep working at it. (It could be the most fun you have ever had working on a problem.)
What you are experiencing is very common with couple after a childbirth. The prescription for post-partum lack of inspiration has always to jump back in and keep at it until the habit is reimprinted.
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Re: What to do about a low libido?
Thu, February 1, 2007 - 11:22 AMI would say if you really "couldn't care less" then have sex if he wants it. If you really *don't want to* then don't! There is a big difference there. Obviously it won't always be one or the other, but if you force yourself to have sex when you really don't want to then resentment will grow. I know there is the idea that a spouse should put out for the other whenever they want it, but I just don't agree. It's a partnership, both your needs are equally valid, and I know my Dh doesn't want to have sex with me when I don't want to have sex with him just because he's "entitled" to it. He wants to have sex with me because I want to have sex with him too. There are also other ways to please your spouse when he needs something without having penis/yoni sex. Sometimes that's just too much effort for me (for whatever reason), so we compromise with a different technique. ;-)
I think there probably *is* something still lingering from the infidelity, even if it's not conscious. Can you do some more probing into this? Maybe journal about why you do not want sex to see if anything comes up? I find just writing, without interuption or care about what comes out, can really bring to light truths I hadn't seen before about my thoughts and feelings.
In our relationship, Dh has a lower labido than I do. I'd be happy having sex multiple times a day! lol! So we've learned what a wonderful friend a vibrator is to both of us, that "foreplay" will often either a) satisfy me or b) inspire him for more, and that sometimes I can just darn well wait for my fun - and that actually can add to the fun!
However, we do not think of our differing libidos as a "problem", which is what comes across in your post (which is why I think there may be something lingering from his cheating). Who thinks this is a problem, you, Dh, both? I think you may just have to accept it and work with it if you can't find the root. There might not be a "remedy" as there might not be anything "wrong". ?? -
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Re: What to do about a low libido?
Sun, February 4, 2007 - 11:46 AMThanks for all of the good advice. From everyone.
I understand that differing libido is totally normal in relationships. the thing is, it didn't used to be normal for us. i used to be raging all the time, and now i've just lost it. and it feels like i've lost a bit of myself. i understand that sometimes it's easy to get in a weird head space, get stuck in a rut, and i'm really looking for ideas and suggestions for busting out of that and reclaiming my once very healthy sexuality.
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Re: What to do about a low libido?
Sun, February 4, 2007 - 12:57 AMRead erotica. All the time.
I'm serious.
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Re: What to do about a low libido?
Sun, February 4, 2007 - 11:46 AMnow here is a good suggestion. i'll give this one a try for sure.
thanks! -
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Re: What to do about a low libido?
Tue, February 6, 2007 - 11:44 PMFind some you really like and read it aloud to each other... we quite enjoyed the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice (writing as A.N. Rouquelare). -
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Re: What to do about a low libido?
Tue, February 6, 2007 - 11:45 PMOh yeah... and go here www.goodvibrations.com ... they have everything you need... -
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Re: What to do about a low libido?
Fri, April 20, 2007 - 3:10 PMplay. wrestle naked. wear costumes. find a lover. a milkman. a paperboy. never say no if he asks. never. the more you say no the more he will ask and the more "headaches" you will get... he'll even ask when he doesn't want it... so just live the YES. take pictures of eachother. nude. outside. be daring. go camping. drink more water. exercise. then do it before you shower. buy some big canvas and acyrlic paint and paint portraits of eachother nude. even if you don't think you know how to paint. finger paint. then paint his body. have him paint your body. have long slow lovemaking and make him promise not to orgasm. for hours. then finally, once you are relaxed, energized, satiated, release him. tie him up and punish him for all the minor offenses hes comitted against you. kiss him slowly with soft lips. wear sexy clothes. buy a pair of FMPs. strut it. be it. do it.
or, just keep on keepin on.
oh, and know your tickle spots. does he? -
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Re: What to do about a low libido?
Fri, April 20, 2007 - 6:49 PMI want to add another three cents...
when you're the special one and getting the lovin machine going... its great you want it and give it all the time
when boy toy (lover of all time, now husband) cheats or even has a one time fling, it ruins some of that wild passion thats truely ours for the taking. He's your, your his, and thats that. love is wonderful but it can't ever take the damage of a cheat and *poof* make it go away. Its over yes, your over it yes, BUT that first lovey dovey your mine is a little torn.
I'm sure since you started this topic you've already moved forward, but there are a lot of people who can't understand when the moving forward takes so long and the lovin sessions are just not the same.
It takes time, but read erotica and enjoy yourself!
Wine helps :)
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