My wife maintains that sex is an essential part of marriage. Her parents, who are open with us that they still have sex regularly (they're in their late 50s) also say the same thing. Is this a reasonable hypothesis? I know many marriages end badly because one partner isn't getting the sex they want/need. But is it possible to have a great marriage and never have sex, or have sex only occasionally?
My grandparents are in their early 90s. Could sex still be a big part of their relationship?
My grandparents are in their early 90s. Could sex still be a big part of their relationship?
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Re: Sex in a good marriage
Mon, September 19, 2005 - 9:18 PMwe have been married going on 7 years. and we dont have sex all the time. and we are both still very happy. i think mainly we cant find time between all the kids activites and work scheudles to work in sex. but when we do have it the long gaps make it that much more amazing
sex on a reg basis gets old and burns you out and you and your spouse have to find ways to spice it up sooner -
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Re: Sex in a good marriage
Tue, September 20, 2005 - 9:13 PMIt's obviously not part of every marriage. Some men are impotent and they remain married. But I think it is important for the needs of each marriage partner to be discussed openly and met creatively. Intercourse is not the only way to communicate sexually but it takes intimacy to talk about it.
Touching each other is an important communication in nearly all relationships, even when you first meet someone you shake their hand.
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Re: Sex in a good marriage
Mon, September 19, 2005 - 9:20 PMand about your grandparent comment. now you got new put a picture of in head of wrinkles getting it on. thanks i probably wont sleep well tonight LOL
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Unsu...
Re: Sex in a good marriage
Sun, September 25, 2005 - 7:38 AMI think that connectedness and communication are more important than sex. A spouse may feel that they require sex more often than the other and that may cause problems, but if that need is communicated and some sort of compromise can be reached, potential problems can be avoided. You can even have a pretty equal sex drive to that of your partner and still have marital issues. If both of you feel intimately connected and feel loved adequately the other, who cares how often you have sex?
My first marriage was predominantly based on sexual attraction and in the end we just didn't speak the same language. Now in my second marriage of 8 years, I have less sex but I'm much happier than I ever imagined I could be because our marriage is based on much more. Because we have more connection points, we feel more intimately connected and mutually understood—a side benefit of that connection, in my opinion, has been better sex. It's all connected. If the ability to have intercourse was lost between us, I'm confident that we could still be happy together because our marriage is not based a sexual act. -
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Re: Sex in a good marriage
Mon, September 26, 2005 - 11:58 AMThat's a really nice way of putting it, 'Shine. -
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Re: Sex in a good marriage
Mon, September 26, 2005 - 2:30 PMI think sex is an important part of marriage, but not the most important part. I liked Shine's explanation. I like to think that as my husband and I get older, we'll still be attracted to each other. But if something happened that shut off the sexual part of the relationship, I think we'd be just as happy. -
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Re: Sex in a good marriage
Mon, September 26, 2005 - 3:51 PMi think the most important thing in a marraige is being present. therefore, if we're having sex, or we're running errands, or we're talking about the future, if you're present and bringing forward you best self, then your marriage has every chance to succeed.
so every thing is important, and nothing is really less important than anything else...
just my 2 cents :)
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Unsu...
Re: Sex in a good marriage
Tue, September 27, 2005 - 8:12 PMCheers to everyone who has posted. I agree with the earlier post that says that sex is AN but not THE important part of a marriage. I've been married almost seven years, and sometimes we're randy, and other times we're not. Kids, etc., takes a lot of the energy that would have been spent shagging, but we are candid w/ eachother about our feelings and needs, and we do what we can. Sometimes we're smoking, sometimes we're not. I think it's best when all our other emotional needs are met. Then we can just relax and get busy :-D
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Re: Sex in a good marriage
Wed, October 5, 2005 - 7:56 PMi just want to give ten toes up for your responsee, James. the idea that being present is primary is really spot on for me.
and i'm all for getting my world rocked when i'm in my eighties. companionship may certainly be the driving force in many happy longterm marriages, but i don't want sex to go out of the equation. i also lament ageist dismissal of older people having active healthy fulfilling sexual lives...
certainly couples have different cycles at different stages (i'm not looking forward to early childhood for that bit)... but the idea that having it more takes the spice out faster is a bit bogus in my humble opinion.
get creative with your love, now, not just later.
and i suppose the last important bit is to honor that i can't speak for others. in my view though, there's no norm, just a lovely continuum.
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Unsu...
Re: Sex in a good marriage
Wed, November 9, 2005 - 2:31 PMI really like this.
My wife and I (we're newlyweds, too boot), have different needs. She's always horny and I'm good about twice a week. She's ok with me saying 'Not tonight, love, I'm whooped' because I'm really good at telling her where I'm at and what I'm feeling and she's really good at being happy with me any way I am. -
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Re: Sex in a good marriage
Wed, November 9, 2005 - 4:29 PMI'm not the least turned off by the idea of a couple gettin' some at age 80. I hope I'm one of those old wrinkled grey hairs getting it on! I agree with everyone. I think sex is very important. When we don't have sex for a length of time, I start to feel disconnected from my husband. Sex is sometimes about stress reduction, sometimes about animal urges, sometimes about straight up sensuality, sometimes about comfort and love. Sometimes everything at once!
I read or heard somewhere that the everyday touching, casual kissing and stuff we do as we go about our day actually satisfies some of the need we have for sex, which explains why some couples have less sex than they did when they were dating.
As a married person, you want to say, "Oh, our sex is just as hot as the day we met!" We feel a bit embarrassed if we don't live up to some porno ideal of a sex life. What's great about married life is not only do you have a trusted partner for whenever you feel like it, but you have a comfortable family member to hang out with and cuddle with when you don't. It's really okay not to want sex all the time!
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Unsu...
Re: Sex in a good marriage
Sun, April 2, 2006 - 8:54 PMafter my second baby, i had post partum depression really bad. my husband and i didn't have sex for about a year. during that time, we probably had the best relationship we've ever had... we were best friends. not sure what happened but we started back up and got pregnant again instantly! For like the first 8 years of maraige, sex was not too often (but was always amazing). My husband always said that sex was a lot more important than i thought it was. but this last past year, we've been a lot more active and it definately makes us like each other more... lol. i do think that it's important but i will never forget that celibate year as one of the best in my life... despite terrible depression. -
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Unsu...
Re: Sex in a good marriage
Tue, April 4, 2006 - 4:00 PMFor my dh and I both, we've never had this little sex in a relationship and never been more satisfied. Sorry if TMI, but I've got my toy and he's got his porn and if one of us is horny and the other isn't, it doesn't mean we're left stranded. The sex we do have is amazing, but sometimes I want to get off without actually putting out the energy for sex either. However, we do hold hands and smooch and touch each other all the time, so maybe our physical connection needs are being met in a not-so-sexual way and we can leave the sex for when we really want that, not just physical comfort.
I don't think it means your love or attraction for your spouse has lessened because you have less sex, although I think it can be an indication that something is wrong with your relationship if you stop having sex and it's making you uncomfortable. It's not black and white, just what works for you. :-) -
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Re: Sex in a good marriage
Tue, April 4, 2006 - 8:08 PMno sex is tough for me.....it makes me think there's a bigger problem....like cheating.....or that i am undesirable.....or not good enough at it......incompetence....not satisfying.....unwanted.....plus i think sex is an excellent medium for getting close to your partner.......when other methods are failing.....i didn't know anyone was actually "OK" with porn. i thought it was just "put up with". me being male i can say that i would be uncomfortable with my wife looking at other men while.......but to each his/her own, i guess. -
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Unsu...
Re: Sex in a good marriage
Wed, April 5, 2006 - 12:04 PMI know, I know. No one ever really believes me when I say I'm ok with porn. But would you believe me if I said I'll do my part and let him look at porn while I'm doing it sometimes? I use images and fantasies that rarely involve my husband, what's different from that and porn? He's just more visual and I'm more in my head, but it's the same thing. That's not to say it always is about that, whenever we're having sex I'm totally focused on him. I'd much rather he looked at porn or appreciated the girls on the street openly than felt like he had to hide it, that way it isn't an obsessive thing and I feel like he'd talk to me before he felt the need to go behind my back in an affair. -
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Re: Sex in a good marriage
Wed, April 5, 2006 - 4:52 PMyeah, that may be true...that he would do it openly....but often casual porn use (if it exists) turns into a habbit, that needs to advance to have the same effect it did "before". and if yo uknow a man's mind, you will no that the visuals a man sees are burned into his mind forever.....no need for maps.....and when he sees porn, it doesn't "do it" for him. so, he'll need to explore further. harder porn. maybe something that you WOULDN'T be ok with. that, he might have to hide. and when you cover your tracks.....yo uhave to cover those tracks, which lead to more and more lies, and eventually......everything can fall apart. the safest bet....is to not use porn, like most drugs.....like staying in school.....allowing a person to do it in your face is enabling them....like a drug habbit.....some parents say the same thing about their kids drinking under age. "i'd rather them do it here than out in the streets". next thing you know your kids are inviting their friends over and their drinking your alchohol. that opens the door for many more possibilities that otherwise might not occur. it's probably best to make it open what your personal standards are and stick to them. at least, that is how i feel at the moment. who knows what the future will bring...... the things we do for love. shheeeesh!!!
-m -
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Unsu...
Re: Sex in a good marriage
Wed, April 5, 2006 - 6:04 PM:-) I guess my point was more the porn IS within my personal standards, as hard core as he'd like to get... and does get. I don't believe in keeping secrets about your sexual desires, what's the point? You either feel it or you don't and either one is perfectly ok. If you try and suppress something, it keeps coming up for you. Letting go and putting it out in the open takes away the fear/negativity surrounding it. Denying a part of yourself can only hurt, whether it's yourself or the person you love b/c you have to lie to them about it. I have guy friends whose girlfriends don't like them having porn.. so they keep it hidden in their closet and still look at it just as much as before. Except they lie about it. And I'd rather have him look at another woman openly, which he was going to do anyway, than lie about it to me. Maybe I'm just lucky, but the fact that he does has no effect on my feelings of worth in our relationship.
As for the alcohol analogy... I just don't agree with you. :-) Allowing someone the freedom to do something they are going to do anyways in a safe and supportive environment does not, in my opinion, lead to them becomming conniving and out of control with it. Things my parents allowed me the space to figure out I have a healthy relationship with... it's those things that were absolutely forbidden that I went out and got out of control with. But that's just my experience.
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Unsu...
Re: Sex in a good marriage
Wed, April 5, 2006 - 7:15 PMeek the porn talk. hide your head in sand, sherwood... all is well.... -
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Re: Sex in a good marriage
Thu, April 6, 2006 - 6:56 AMi kind of think that there is some responsibility envolved. i mean.....having fantasies, and endulging in them, feeding them....seems to me that it might lead the fantasies into a more intricate design. it seems that the fantasies will grow and change. it seemsw that fantasies do, in fact, role over into ones daily life....ever so slightly (maybe not slightly at all). i'm actually talking about taking those risks. not that they will actually come to pass, but that is a gamble. a percentage of men will become addicted to porn. will him or you? can't tell at first. people get fired for looking at it while working!!! otherwise good people. i try to behave as tho i were with my wife all the time. and she could see me and hear me. i don't need those kinds of restraints to be a good person....but i always have her feelings in mind. resisting tempation is a basic concept for me. i use self disciplin to keep my fanatsies and desires at bay. it is, however a personal choice....and i realize many have different views. but there must be a sore spot in your heart to know that your most loved one is coveting your neighbors wife. at least a little.....it seems like some people allow it because it gives them freedom to "misbehave"....."well you have this, so i get this". that can go back and forth for years! but....it is a decision we are all forced to make these days. it's widely excepted and SOOOOOO available. to me it's completely acceptable for you to feel nervous or upset....just that you be real with yourself. i mean.....you don't HAVE to be ok with it. it seems that you are pretty confident that you won't lose him. with rules like that? heck no you won't. but i'm sure he could (not) use porn and still love you to the same capacity. he might even respect you more, or shoot, respect all wemon more. i kind of feel like nasty romance novels for ladies are like porn for men. am i wrong? but the pictures are dangerous.....even for kids. kids always find them. they're going through your drawers and closets today i bet. i guess.....another analogy.....eat good food. feed your body and mind healthy material so it can be efficient and pure.....
i smoke a pack a day, however. hard to stop. can't stop thinking of them. my day is based around how many smokes i have left. so, i know what it's like to be addicted. we all have curiosities about life. even in our sex life. i think experimentation is a good think for a sex life. i can imagine how a thing like porn might be a healthy way to explore a sex life.....on the occasion, together obviously. it might help you keep in touch with what's happening around you in the "sex world"...might get some kinky sexy new ideas....maybe remind you of your standards and keep track of your own emotions. even then, i think it should be shared at exceptable levels in agreement.
whoa! a long one....my bad.
peace
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Re: Sex in a good marriage
Thu, April 6, 2006 - 7:21 AMi would like to add.....i don't personally have any fantasies or tempations. i can only theorise based on my own level of experience. i reffer to things like, wanting to hang out with an old friend.....honest.
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This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.Unsu...
Re: Sex in a good marriage
Thu, April 6, 2006 - 1:36 PM" resisting tempation is a basic concept for me. i use self disciplin to keep my fanatsies and desires at bay. " .... "i dont personally have any fantasies or temptations." DUDE did u remember your wife is in this tribe or something? wanting to hang out with an old friend is a temptation or fantasy? come on micah. be honest all the way. don't be honest then take it back.
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